**CONTENT WARNING: Some readers may find content disturbing with references to violence, mental health, alcohol and drugs.
BARBARA KINLEY
PART 1 of 2 PARTS
"Born in Auckland, my life began in a boarding house on Sandringham Road. A few months later I was adopted and began living in Kawerau, along with an older brother and sister, and I call that my home. It wasn't a perfect home but there was no better Mum and Dad I could have asked for. As a child I suffered with severe asthma and eczema, at times needing to be tied down with mittens on so I wouldn't tear myself apart. The effects of these conditions shaped my life with a lot of isolation and fear. There were times when I thought I would die as I simply could not breathe. Rejection and abandonment also factored into my life, both from being adopted out, and as I was unable to physically participate in many activities with other kids. I couldn't play sport and even some family members were afraid to have me stay in their homes for fear of me dying if I had an attack. To top it off, when I was at school the bullying was constant. I felt unworthy, that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t good enough. All lies.
"Although I was not raised to know anything about the Bible, I am sure previous generations had been. I remember my Dad’s mum prayed, and later on in life I found a Bible with my Mum’s name in it. I often remembered as a little girl I used to enjoy watching Praise Be on Sunday morning at 9.30 on TV. My Dad asked me one day 'Do you like this stuff girl?'. I loved it. It was a beautiful combination of songs and words that brought a different kind of peace to anything I had ever known.
"During my teens I started reading the Bible and I was invited to a home group and an outdoor event. However, based on what I saw and heard, I didn't want to go back. The arguing and strife were no different from what I had at home, and I didn't need more of that. From there on life spiralled downhill with smoking, drinking, drugs and unhealthy attention from guys. I used anything to fill the emptiness inside, trying to be accepted in the process. Life became one big party for the next 6 years, getting darker and darker. The cigarettes, alcohol, weed, violence, music and promiscuity became the new norm. As a result of that, I experienced my first miscarriage in my late teens without telling a soul.
"At the age of 22 I began a relationship with my sons Father. He was a diagnosed schizophrenic [a disorder that affects a person's ability to think, feel or behave clearly] so I never knew from one day to the next what I was going to get. I would try to hold onto the memory of the good days to get me through the bad days. Looking back now, the heartbreak I endured, could have been so different. He too needed God's healing and deliverance from past trauma and hurts. When you're in it you simply can't see what the enemy is doing. The following year, I gave birth to our first beautiful son – and even that brought new experiences and challenges of learning how to be a mum. Five months after he was born, I experienced my second miscarriage, and four months after that, my third.
"Eventually, 5 yrs later our second beautiful son arrived, and also suffered from severe eczema and asthma. Looking back, I can now see I was able to understand exactly how he felt during the times of being unable to breathe, or scratching to try and relieve the constant itchiness that covered him from head to toe. Around the time he was turning 1, I received a letter informing me my biological father wanted to contact me. This happened, and questions I had were finally answered, and we have maintained intermittent contact. Later I also met my biological mother who unbeknown to me, was living just around the corner at an address I was at. As I met with her for a coffee, I was provided with more information, however she decided not to keep in touch. As much as I could try and understand her choice, it did not stop the rejection flooding in again. Back to the same old – 'Oh well Barb, get up and get on with it'.
"In 2003 our last baby boy was born. And during this pregnancy I had a mental breakdown. The stress of working long hours to put food on the table, doing the household chores, cooking meals, having 2 young kids and a partner who was in different states of mind, the miscarriages, the financial strain, and trying to always do the right things for everyone else. There was a constant barrage of not doing anything right and it was just too much for me. One evening I was standing at the kitchen bench preparing dinner, and my partner began verbally abusing me. I turned to face him with the knife in my hand, and said STOP, JUST STOP. In that moment I saw a look in his eyes – one that recognized for the first time that he didn't have the power, I did. It was a powerful but also a very scary experience. Because of this extreme reaction, I was admitted to a psyschiatric ward. It was so peaceful, and I was so happy without the constant pressures, although so filled with guilt and shame for not being with my sons. However, a few days later when the psych doctor belittled me, I left. It verified for me that nobody gets it! Nobody. I was so damaged. I knew there was no one else who was going to do it, I had to get up and just get on with it.
"After 13 years I finally ended that relationship and jumped straight into another 8-year relationship. But I was taking the same issues into that one, and unfortunately both of us fed off each other’s fears and insecurities, resulting in more damage being done to both parties, mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically.
In 2013, the day after my 40th birthday, I received a text that read, 'happy belated birthday from your two half-sisters you never knew you had'. At first, I thought someone was playing a sick joke. However, I was overjoyed when it turned out I had 2 biological sisters, and their friendship proved to be a huge comfort for me when one year later I finally admitted the 8 year relationship was not going to work, for either of us. This was a strange place for me to be in, as I had not been single for 21 years, and I was a mom! But with the support of my 2 sisters, I thought perhaps life as going to get easier. I was very mistaken.
"Three months later my eldest son’s baby boy arrived - stillborn. The circumstances around that broke my heart. I was on my own and struggling to raise my sons and by all accounts, was failing miserably. Three months later my dear Mum passed away and with that came a type of grief, emptiness and loneliness I had never experienced before. Six months after her passing, the father of my three boys passed too. It was a dark time as I silently tried to process all the years of chaos and darkness plus the effect it had on my kids. In hindsight I could see the enemy continued to have a field day.
"Three years later my Dad passed away, and I moved back with the two younger boys to the family homestead in Kawerau. Dark childhood memories returned, and I grew even more lonely, isolated and depressed. Four months later I knew on this day, I had to just get up and get out of the house so I would survive. I decided to take the 10-minute walk down to the shops and although I had no money to spend, I had to try and lift the heaviness. I looked for anything that would take my time and attention. As I reached the last row of mostly empty shops I began to hear music. Across the street was a wide-open field but the music was coming from a truck set up with a small stage. People were talking and I had no idea what was going on, but I decided to sit far away under a tree in the shade and just fill in time. Soon after a lady came up saying, 'Hello dear, would you like to come and join us?' There were seats set out in front of the truck, but I replied 'No thank you'. I could feel the vibration of the music coming up through the ground and ended up lying down and just enjoying the peace although I did not recognise the music. Then a second lady approached me, 'Hey come and join us we have some seats over here'. 'No thanks I'm fine'. This was my instant defensive response. I sat back up getting ready to leave. A third time a lady approached me. Alright, I thought to myself, if this will just give me some peace and quiet then fine, I’ll come!. At the end of the music a man started to talk. I have no recollection of what he said but when he got to the part 'IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO', I stood up, my hand went straight up in the air, and I shouted out ME! He hadn't even finished his sentence. I don't know what you've got but I need it I thought. ME! I gave my life to the Lord in that moment. I am so grateful those women never gave up on me. Jesus saw me under that tree! He saw me. I just broke. He knew me! I was never alone. He knew me"!
John 1:47-48 'When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him 'here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit'. 'How do you know me' Nathanael asked. Jesus answered 'I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you'.
BARBARA KINLEY
**CONTENT WARNING: Some readers may find content disturbing with references to Covid and death.
PART 2 of 2 parts
"In the instant I stood up to give my life to follow Jesus, I recognised it was Jesus I needed and had searched for all my life. I had fallen for every lie before I knew what the truth was. But now I knew the truth, I began to recognize all the lies. It was all so simple. There was a lot of work He needed to do in me, but now I knew the truth. I know who fills me. While on earth Jesus just poured out His spirit day after day but at night he went to the Father for strength and relationship, and now I know where to go. I had literally walked out of darkness into the light that day.
"I started going to church and was Baptised. I joined a home group of praying ladies. I had my two younger sons living with me. And my focus was on Jesus. I needed to know Him in the valleys and on the mountain tops, the good and bad times. I needed to know His nature and character. God knew I needed to know that no matter what was going on with my family (Deuteronomy 31:8) He would never leave me or forsake me, and (Psalm 136:1)His steadfast love endures from everlasting to everlasting.
"When 2020 came around I thought yes Lord, this is the year of perfect vision!. The year began with both my boys having severe chicken pox and lockdowns were starting to affect New Zealand. In March there was a day when I woke up my youngest son for school as he had slept in. When he woke with a start, he told me he was in a dream where everything was black. 'Black- black where I couldn't see my hand in front of me Mum. Then there was this like really big light – like the big ones they have in the movies but waaaay brighter, and then you woke me up'. I wondered what it meant, but thought perhaps as he was happy to read the Bible with me, he might be beginning to understand a bit more about the Lord. A few nights went by, and I was sitting in my lazyboy in the lounge reading my Bible, he walked past me into the kitchen and came back and stood in front of me with his hands held out. As a Mother I immediately thought, teenage boy what do you want? 'Mum' he said, 'it's my turn to read to you'. He squashed in beside me and read me Psalm 91 and Psalm 97. He said that was enough, but I felt prompted to ask him for just one more? He agreed to just one more, and read Psalm 103, and then went to bed.
"The next morning 19 March 2020 was rush rush as he was off on a school trip to the lake. 'Love you Mum'. Love you son, have a good day. Less than three hours later my middle son arrived at my work, accompanied with an official and the school principal. As my son shakily held onto me, I was informed my precious 16-year-old son had drowned in the lake on the school trip. I didn't have words.
"New Zealand went into Covid stage 3 of lock down on the day of his funeral, but no one was going to stop me embracing my family and being close to others grieving. Afterwards in isolation, the pain and grief, heartache and confusion, consoling and brokenness in my own heart and the hearts of my other two sons was overwhelming. I remember one day I fell to my knees on the kitchen lino before the Lord. I was crying out to the Lord. I don't get it. I don't understand. It hurts Lord. It's so painful. And it took every ounce of whatever was left in me, which by then was feeling like less than a mustard seed of faith. I pushed out the words 'but I will still trust you. I will still praise you, but I need you to hold me and not let me go and get me through this. Just hold me Jesus'. And He did. Night after night I felt like there was a blanket around me, just holding me. Just holding us, my son and me as we held each other. Jesus was all I had. There was no point in asking Him why, instead I asked Him, what. What is it you want me to see? What is it you want me to know? What am I learning in all this? I know from everything evil, you bring good, so what is it Lord? He took me back to the day of my son's funeral service in the school hall when I was on the stage speaking to everyone. I looked out at all the young teenagers, and their families, the teachers, and my sons' friends, my friends and their children, my family members. 'They don't know me; they need to know me. Some of the Christian songs played were the first time they heard the name Jesus. They need to know me. You need to pray for them'. Yes Lord, I can do that.
"Following my son’s death, I was asked to write an impact statement for the investigation taking place. And as I played over different scenarios in my head of what to say, internally two things were going on. I had a choice. I could write from the perspective of how this tragedy had affected so many lives in so many ways, or I could ask the Lord how to respond. As I sat with the Lord and typed the words onto a blank screen, it soon became obvious I was sharing the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ in my statement.
"Forgiveness was the Godly response. He had forgiven me of so much when I accepted Jesus as my Saviour. I had to make a choice and no, I didn't want to go on. But through it all Jesus was revealing His truth 'I will never leave you or forsake you'. Jesus was showing me His heart for other people. Those who still needed His salvation. As every question was asked and as I listened to every grieving person, I had to make that choice. Am I doing this in the flesh or the spirit? Ok Lord, let your will be done. I realised I might be the only person in their whole life who had told them about Jesus. Many people I had conversations with in the weeks and months that followed wept before the name of God. Amazing grace Lord, how sweet the sound. In those moments I could see God's heart for these people. I could see His goodness. He has been so faithful. He saw me under that tree and knew I was going to need Him and He would never leave me or forsake me.
"Through the years and tears I continue to seek His face. My tears soak the comfort He offers me, but in the midst, I have let Papa (God) begin to touch my heart again and I am ok with that no matter how long it takes".
♥️✝️We remember Ethan Fitzpatrick who died 19 March 2020. This caring young man who as a teenage boy sat beside his mum reading scriptures to her, whose last words to her were of love, clearly spoken from his heart.♥️✝️