CONTENT WARNING: Some readers may find sexual references graphic and disturbing.
JASMIN
This testimony opens doors to a dark side of life many keep hidden. Hope often seems lost in these dark places. Allow Jesus to lift the weight off you layer by layer. Look up and find His light shining on the horizon. This testimony is for anyone who might also find themselves in a bottomless pit, so you will know there is a way to receive freedom and you are not alone.
Jasmin remembers her Mother "taking us 3 kids to church when she could. All of us grew up knowing about Jesus, and had an idea about the bible stories. Coming from a mixed belief household, living in relationship with Jesus wasn't viewed as compulsory with our lifestyle and circles primarily reflecting the ways of the world. We had a foundation in Christ, but it was like a small fragile platform. There was a disconnect and no true representation of God's sovereignty in the churches we went to. I developed a limited understanding of the finished work of Jesus and the authority He has over the enemy, and the spiritual forces that existed. It just didn't really sink in".
During high school Jasmin was a bright model student, both academic and sporty. "I started going to youth group and saw a little more of what having a relationship with Jesus was about. I brought some of my friends along and towards the end became a youth group leader in a small church. I was baptised in my second to last year of high school but looking back ,I didn't have an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus. I didn't understand repentance. I thought of baptism as more of a confirmation I believed in Him. Living my life differently, committing every part of my life to Jesus and the word just didn't happen. I was going to church and youth group, but had both feet in the world with one big toe in Jesus".
"I lived my life in a world of secret sin. From the age of 12, I entered into addiction with pornography and masturbation. What started as a pre-teen curiosity, grew into a monster controlling my life. No one knew. No girl friends, no boyfriends, nobody. I was riddled with guilt and shame and I couldn't stop. I lived in a world of lust and perversion. It was crazy in my head with developing sexual fantasies. I was absolutely ruled by a need and a desire to watch porn. For a very long time it was dominant in my life, becoming more risky, perverted and fetish-like. Despite the fantasies and a craving to be sexually active, I am thankful to God I did not sleep around. I physically could not bring myself to be intimate with people but this made me lean into porn and pleasing myself more, increasing the fantasies and feeding the spirits oppressing me. It was a double edged sword. I was in a world of self loathing I couldn't stop. One of the side effects of being exposed to porn led me to questioning my sexual identity. A silent battle for many years".
Jasmin finished high school and started at university in Auckland which launched the party scene, alcohol and drugs. "I loved getting drunk and partying and the whole vibe it gave me. I was still going to church on the odd occasion, involved in a small group and still believing there was a Jesus, but living in secret sin. I was a hypocrite. I chose to study Civil Engineering [a 4 year degree] and was awarded a scholarship which paid for all of my first year accommodation. There were certain things in life that seemed to come easily to me which I'm grateful for, but in reality I was on a path of self destruction intensified by the drugs, alcohol and electronic music I was surrounded by.
"My first job in civil construction entered me into an predominantly male environment where drinking, swearing and sexual jokes or flirtation were common. A continual cycle of drinking, hangovers, work, porn and repeat again. The 'attention' from other workers only fed the fantasies in my head. I still struggled to be intimate with people although I really wanted to be able to. It was as if my spirit was saying no but everything else was yes".
A job opportunity came up to move over to Queensland, Australia and Jasmin decided to take it. A fresh start. Yes it was a different address but same destructive cycle continued.
"After a year of being in Australia, my physical and mental health was poor. The cost of my secret addictions and draining lifestyle was immense. I struggled to make friends and have hobbies I could commit to. I was no longer enjoying my job. I was so lost in myself. It was starting to feel like the weight of the world was forming on my shoulders and I didn't know how to escape. There needed to be change but I was so resistant and undisciplined to actually do anything about it. I started lightly leaning into the self development space including yoga, breathwork, mindfulness and anything 'self'. There was a fight going on, a battle I didn't know how to win. I thought I was doing things right because it was everything society encourages".
"From mid 2023 I started hearing these strong voices. 'You need to go to God. You need to go to God. Remember Jesus. You need to go back to church'. It probably helped seeing the undeniable healing happening in my Mum's own journey with Jesus. I knew I needed to cut back on alcohol and porn. I knew I was hopeless on my own so made a decision to find a church and change some things and to try Jesus again. The power of God was instant, telling me 'you need to commit to me. I am real. This is where you're meant to be. Come back to me'. The peace and truth I craved was right there in my grasp". I found a Bible believing church and became exposed to the truths of the Bible, Jesus Christ, the spiritual realm and what He has done for us all. I felt overwhelmed with His love. "I laugh now at how God can use anything! God started using my TikTok to send me messages on deliverance [to be set free]. This was something new to me and I started looking at Christianity in a different light. What was this world of casting out demons? Were demons actually real? Someone at church asked me if I would like to speak in tongues and explained the power behind this gift from God. We practised and prayed together to receive the Holy Spirit and activate this gift".
"On my drive back to my motel I had a full on deliverance session in my car. I felt this deathly scream coming up and out of me. Horror movie screams and not my own. Between screaming and coughing I was speaking in tongues, a gift I didn't properly know how to use. The screams were long with full body tensing and bending forward with the force. I don't know what the unclean spirits were but when they left me, I felt freer and more at peace. I thought this truly is real! My eyes had been opened to the truth. Jesus has to be the answer to finding the peace and purpose my spirit was calling for".
"For the first time in my life I felt a desire to read my Bible. The words were speaking to me as if they were living and breathing life. I found my priorities and values changed. I was no longer so dependent on alcohol and my perception of Christianity, God and Jesus was shifting. I couldn't deny the changes happening in me. I decided to actively seek deliverance from what I now knew were demonic spirits influencing my decisions, views and actions. During a renouncing prayer, I manifested [dark spirits showed themselves] instantly".
During this deliverance the demons in me were screaming, crying and coughing. I didn't have control over how they were manipulating my body. I had been experiencing severe lower back pain for about 2 years and couldn't find healing for it. The pain started to flare up during the deliverance session like it was on fire. I managed to tell those praying around me. They called out the kundalini spirit [a Hindu form of feminine energy that situates at the base of the spine. It can attach itself through yoga and other doors]. I started bending backwards like a stiff contortionist and spinning in a circle. It was like something was unwrapping itself from the root of my spine. It got up to my neck restricting my breathing, then eventually came off. My lower back pain was gone. Miracle deliverance. Miracle healing. A whole new world was opening up to me very rapidly and the scales were coming off my eyes. The sexual identity thoughts I had, shifted. The spirits of perversion and lust were being exposed. My music taste slowly shifted. I had no desire to go out to clubs and pubs. I went to one last music festival on New Years eve and the next morning I woke up and said 'I'm done. I'm done drinking. I committed to one year of no alcohol so I could break the habit, and to my suprise, found it was easy. My porn addiction began to ease and eventually was lifted off me. I'm done with that! I stopped swearing. All the hidden spiritual oppression, the lies, the confusion, broke off me in the name of Jesus. It was all happening and being revealed to me very quickly which was overwhelming, but I could not deny the change and freedom I was now able to live in. After over a decade of struggling, I decided, I am all in for Jesus and I give my life fully to Him now".
I cannot deny Jesus. I cannot deny He is real. I cannot deny His power. I cannot deny the truth of the spiritual world that controls this living world. My identity was now in Christ. I now regard the Bible as God talking to me personally revealing His truth. God softened the walls of self protection around my heart. The realisation of the power I had given the enemy brought immense shame, grief and embarrassment and I knew these were not feelings from God. Jesus has defeated sin and death. The battle is already won.
I was searching for a new job and felt a longing to return to New Zealand, to be with family and continue growing in my new found faith. I read of a civil construction project in Tauranga (home) and I sent an enquiry email with my CV attached. Within 24 hours I had been interviewed and offered a job as site engineer. The timing of it, the salary, my expectations, every detail was met with no resistance. God worked a miracle.
I'm dedicated to following Jesus and developing a deeper relationship with Him, unlearning all the patterns and views the world had taught me. To use my testimony to bring glory to God and His existence. To share the good news with friends, family and strangers. I pray for boldness and courage. As I gain a better understanding of the heart of God, I can't help but wonder whether He will use my past to help others wrestling with their sexual confusion, lust, perversion and more. I am living proof of the miracle working God.
2 Corinthians 5:17 'therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone; the new has come.'