SKINNY (not her real name)
PART 1 of 2 parts
**CONTENT WARNING: Some readers may find content disturbing with references to mental health and violence.
"As I reflect on my life, I can see two significant events that shaped me and my thinking for ever. Born into a family with 4 siblings, growing up was active, healthy and fun. My Mother as a child was Anglican, so my sister and I were sent to Sunday School for a while, but I have no recollection of anything Christian in our home. My family were more likely to turn the hose on anyone who came door knocking!
"I was 13 when a serious event changed my life. No one should ever endure what I went through, but it happened, and it took me a long time to make the decision I was not going to let it define me any more. (Read part 2 of testimony next Wednesday) I bought my grandparents house when I was 21 and realised I was surrounded by homes filled with people of various faiths. I had no desire to go down that road of any religion, instead I worked hard in various jobs but I always wanted to be a hairdresser.
"Eventually after marrying and having 2 sons, my husband and I and one boy moved north leaving family and friends behind. He was diagnosed bipolar so we lived a gypsy lifestyle until my son and I were forced to go into hiding for a year after he twice tried to strangle me. After 29 years of marriage this was not the future I dreamed of. I had planned my future with him and imagined being grandparents together one day.
"I entered into another relationship until his bad character traits were eventually revealed to me. So alone once more and grieving, I turned to creative work at home as an outlet, and found I was drawn to making and decorating the cross of Calvary. I gave many away but on the one I kept, I fixed many momentos from the past like my sons first tooth, my Nanas brooch, my Grandfather's stick pin. I now wonder if this was an unconscious effort to nail my past to the cross of Jesus. I was still not a Christian but felt led to create those crosses and believe now this was when the seed of faith was activated in me.
"The day I left and drove away with only my little dog, I wondered how I got it all so wrong. I had gone from one bad relationship into another. I tried to process all the abuse in my life. I couldn't imagine how I would cope on my own again. Would I make ends meet? Could I learn something from this to take me into a more positive future. I was lying in bed one night and had this picture of a bathroom with a chandelier. I searched for a place to live, a place that I could afford and would take my wee dog. A cottage came up on the coast and the owner would allow my dog. When I looked through I found not only was there a chandelier in the bathroom but one in the bedroom and dining room as well. I didn't know whose voice it was but it felt familiar and it seemed to always direct me, to something certain.
"Some time later, I heard clearly, this voice I trusted, tell me on several occasions to move into a 3 bedroom home and eventually I moved and my son came to live with me. Through him and his mate, I met my future husband. When we met and over time became close, we had many obstacles and criticism to overcome due to our age difference. We went through a lot together, which strengthened our bond.
"One day we were out for coffee and a pie, unaware this was to be the second significant event in both of our lives. While we sat enjoying our time together I noticed a flashing light on a building across the road. It wasn't a physical light but every time I turned away the flashing would start again. We realised it signaled a church and we were both curious. We thought our timing was off and church had finished sessions for the day, so we got in the car and drove away. We got to a roundabout and instead of going straight ahead, my steering wheel turned right. The same thing happened at the next roundabout and I was freaking out. My heart was pounding and I felt quite emotional. Clearly the car was taking us back to the church. We agreed we would just look from the outside, but no, when we got there I decided we were going in. It was Fathers Day and they had some Fathers on the stage doing silly dances and it all seemed so funny and relaxed and not like a formal church we imagined. We snuck in and sat in the back row, the butterflies had gone away, and we were laughing and having fun. When they made an altar call my hand shot up unconsciously, and the tears started. I could not stop crying. As my tears continued I felt they washed away all the pain of the past as Jesus tenderly gathered me to Himself. I glanced over at my partner and through my tears it took me a moment to realise his hand was up also. People prayed for us, gave us a Bible and helped us to understand what had happened. We felt like we had joined a club that nobody had ever told us about. We were in love with God, and everything seemed clearer and even colours appeared brighter. All our wants and needs were met and that included work as a hairdresser. Our lives were changed forever when later we were both Baptised. We were excited to wake up each day and discover the blessings of God. We knew nothing about the Bible, but once we discovered in God's eyes we were living in sin, we made a commitment in love and joined in marriage surrounded by our caring church family. The voice I heard that always seemed so familiar, I now recognised as the voice of the Holy Spirit".
SKINNY (not her real name)
PART 2 of 2 parts
**CONTENT WARNING: Some readers may find content disturbing with references to physical pain and sexual violence.
"For three days after I received a vision from the Lord, my urine was a bright vivid orange. 'Perhaps a load of bile has been released from your body' my Doctor suggested, but there was no appropriate explanation. Another surprising thing happened after the vision: I went from being bedridden, to walking on the beach the very next day. Radiant and glowing.
I was home on my own with the ranch slider open, lying on my bed in pain from fibromyalgia [a chronic condition characterised by widespread musculosketal pain, fatigue, and sleep disturbances]. As evening came, I was still in this same position unable to move without crippling pain, but this was the day I had a vision and met Jesus, my loving heavenly Father. In the vision, I awoke to find myself standing before Jesus who was nailed to the cross of Calvary. The vision was graphic and so real in every detail. In my vision, I was weeping and crying . I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. As an immature Christian I marveled at how God used this intense lifelike dream to reveal an event in my own life I had tried to ignore and keep hidden for years. I came to realise and understand God used this to heal me and bring me to a place of greater understanding of the vivid details and what His crucifixion truly meant. I felt prompted to dive into His love, search more deeply, and confront my own fears, a place I had never been brave enough to go on my own. God was with me. He was there. He had always been there. He wanted me to understand His forgiveness. He brought healing and grace to replace the decades of pain, hurt and anger. Even though I did not know God at the time it happened, I realised I had still blamed God for allowing this to happen. I questioned why me and where He was on that terrible day on the beach, when I was gang raped at the age of 13.
In my vision, I stood before Jesus on the cross, the wind blowing dust into my face, then sand into my open mouth. The feeling of the sand in my mouth brought back a flood of memories, and it was in this moment I was confronted with the stark reality of what had happened to me, so many years ago on the beach, as an innocent child. But now as I lay on my bed, Jesus was holding me tenderly and inviting me to trust Him and let go of the pain and bitterness. At the time, a Policeman said it happened because I was so pretty, and I carried that guilt for years believing I was in some way responsible. Jesus showed me it was not my fault, it was not my burden to carry, and I was not only loved by Him, but adored and treasured. The healing of my mind was so profound. Jesus wanted me to declare His word and power over this dread, to trust Him to faithfully take care of me. Complete surrender so He could unveil my true identity and heal me. The transformation as I walked on the beach the next day was truly miraculous.
Years later as a more mature Christian I came to understand the value and power in forgiveness. I couldn't change the past or the depravity, but I could change my thinking with God's help. I could be set free from the bitterness of that mental prison. God is the judge and as difficult as it is to truly forgive, it is only through those final words spoken by Jesus on the cross 'Father forgive them for they know not what they have done' [Luke 23:34] that I could finally forgive not only them, but myself and be free.