ADRIAN
"One day I would be really happy then the next I would feel something quite different. At the age of eight I noticed I had a stutter. It wasn't too bad and didn't really bother me, but by age 13 after the anxiety of moving from intermediate to high school in Tauranga, leaving friends and familiar surroundings, I felt like I could barely speak and whenever I spoke, there was a barrier, an awkwardness, a doubt in my mind. In a social situation there was so much fear and anxiety and it sounds kind of weird, but it didn't sound like what I was trying to say. It felt impossible to get the words out. I would go home and into my room and feel instantly relieved of everything. Some times I was alright but I often felt like I wanted to say something more. The child was gone from my past. I felt really sad and very alone. I thought about the sadness and insomnia and wondered if I was depressed, but thought no, I think that would feel worse. I had speech therapy and hypnotherapy. It seemed like I needed something else, something more. Although people reassured me when I stuttered saying it didn't matter or they didn't mind, it mattered to me! It felt horrible like I couldn't breathe and the more I tried to cure myself, the worse it got. I tried everything I knew, to reduce the anxiety and calm myself.
"I bravely went to University [Advertising Design in Wellington, then Bachelor of Creative Industries: Visual Arts at Toi O Homai}. I tried to be the extrovert and make jokes and then the next day I was uncomfortable talking to the same people. It was like a reset. Having OCD [obsessive compulsive disorder. A mental health condition characterised by recurring thoughts, feelings or urges (obsessions) that cause significant distress and lead to repetitive behaviors or mental acts to try and reduce that distress.] for me was about touching things and I thought if I did it wrong I would have bad luck or something. I tried to find things that would make me happy like drinking and drugs. I had a personality test and it was found I had one of the rarest types (INFJ makes up 2% of population) but was happy I could just fit into some group. I remember being fascinated by the result and read about my type and why I acted the way I did. I became quite curious and found amongst the chaos everything seemed designed and perfect.
"My girlfriend saw a sign for a church one day and we decided to go along. We felt really drawn to it and walked in there, heard all the music and really liked it. That same day we both put our hands up to give our lives to Jesus. When I got Baptised I had to go up on the stage and couldn't even say my name. I had to face my worst fear which was public speaking. I spoke 4 times at church giving my testimony at the 4 different services which was definitely out of my comfort zone, however I had faith the Holy Spirit would support me and give me the words. It was also a challenge to learn assertiveness as I had always been a pushover and helpless. I needed to get the balance right with the Lord's help, as on occasion I would be over assertive as I started to enjoy my new voice without stuttering.
"A few months after I was Baptised, my stutter came back with a vengeance. God revealed to me the origin of the stutter. I had watched a horror movie, Candyman as an 8 year old child with my brother and sister. They would tease me sometimes and say 'don't ever say candyman in the mirror 5 times because he comes and gets you'. In the movie it was like an urban legend. At church I had deliverance prayer and I was given a vision. I saw the candyman with his head on a little coffee table in a dark attic. I recognised him straight away and he had a snake wrapped around his throat, his mouth open and his eyes were blind, white. As soon as I described what I had seen to those praying for me, the stutter was different. It felt like I had come out of something. Then as I was explaining I found I was no longer stuttering and somehow my voice sounded different too. It was like a bad seed or curse had been planted as a child, but now through deliverance prayer, this was cast out for all time. The miracle I had waited for all my life, happened through the power of Jesus.
"At last I felt like I was worthy and had a purpose on earth. I found now I had a voice without the anxiety. It so refreshing for me and I get quite excited and just keep talking and can be annoying at times. I get such satisfaction helping people with anxiety and those who cannot speak up for themselves even though they want to.
Life is really good. I jump out of bed and have this energy and excitement for life. I love to worship the Lord with a passion and sing out to Him wherever I am or whatever I'm doing. It feels like a beam of light going up to the sky and God can hear my praise. I just feel excited for what the day will bring. I tried on my own to change my life but failed. Now I can actually order food without stuttering! I dont have the fear and obstacle in my mind. Because of God's transformation I feel like I can do different things and can control the anxiety and I have found my place and purpose in God".
Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind".