**CONTENT WARNING: Some readers may find content disturbing with references to abuse and cancer.
PART 1 of 2 parts
CROWNED WITH COURAGE
"Who do you trust in the middle of the storms of life? Who is your safe harbour?
Psalm 107: 29-30 shows us it is only the Lord who can calm the storm to a whisper and still the waves. There was a blessing, the stillness as He brought them on board the ship into a safe harbour.
Throughout my life, from early childhood and into adulthood I have faced many storms. Some of these storms were little irritations easily faced and overcome, while others were massive bringing with them tsunami sized waves. Not so easily faced and overcome, and like all tsunamis they brought with them chaos, destruction, brokenness and for me the loss of identity.
There were many times when those tsunami storms threatened to overwhelm me and cause me to question and doubt my worth, along with questioning my place in the world. So much so I wanted to disappear and cease to be, many times. However while I didn't know it, there was one constant in my life who was much bigger and more powerful than my will and the storms I was facing. His plan and purpose for my life bigger than my desire to disappear. As Psalm 139:7 tells us, we can never escape from His spirit and we can never get away from His presence.
By the time I had reached adulthood I had built a massive unbreakable wall around my heart. I trusted no-one. I had become angry with the world and with God. However it was at that point in my life the Lord started to draw me to Him, even in the midst of my anger and resistance. Finally I came to a place in my life where I was done with living the way I was and trying to do life in my own strength. Very slowly I began to let the Lord heal my broken heart and I began to slowly trust the one who has been there with me through every storm I experienced through my life even though I didn't know it. I slowly began to realise that He was the anchor that would hold me fast so that those storms I may still face would no longer overwhelm me.
Psalm 107:29 'He has calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves". I know I will still face storms in my life but unlike those past storms I now know who I can trust to help me weather the storms. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust". Psalm 91:2
"I grew up in a world marked by confusion, pain and distrust. I was one of 9 siblings and aged 6 when my parents split up. Along with my 2 younger brothers we were sent to be raised by our Nan. Because her own daughter had been rebellious, she believed I would follow the same path. As a result, Nan was especially strict with me. The integrity in our family was misdirected and focused on control rather than protecting me. I was 16 when my father left New Zealand for Australia and with his departure, the years of abuse [not just from him but other family members] finally came to an end.
"We had family get togethers and from the outside it appeared we were all close but this was incorrect. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, wary, guarded and never part of the unit. My self esteem and worth was low and I felt unloved, unsafe and vulnerable.
"I learnt I could trust nobody and this affected every single relationship I had. I was in my 30's when I was finally able to begin to deal with the trauma. I thought I had left the past behind me. Even after giving my heart to the Lord, I found myself resisting His gentle prompting in areas of my life that still needed healing. As I grew into a deeper relationship with God, He tenderly uncovered dark areas in my life that needed His glorious light.
"I was angry. I didn't realise at the time how angry I was. Angry with myself. Angry with my family. Angry with my father. Angry with God. It took me many years to not be angry but the one thing I know now is, God did not cause what happened to happen, but He can use it to bring something good out of it.
"Out of this process and healing, God lead me first to graduate nursing and from there, into mental health. I felt God guided me into this field to work out His plan for my life. He didn't waste my pain, He used it as a foundation for His calling".
PART 2 of 2 parts
CROWNED WITH COURAGE
"There was a time in my life when I couldn't speak up for myself. I tried, but my voice was lost in a world that refused to listen. I felt betrayed, misunderstood and alone. But even in that silence, God was with me. He was guiding me, through the pain, through the confusion, into a greater purpose. I can now see that God didn't just deliver me from that season, He led me through it so I could be a light for others still in the dark.
"God called me into the field of mental health, not just as a career, but as a ministry and for my own healing. A mission. He gave me a voice not only for myself, but for those who were voiceless. I understood the ache of not being heard or helped and carried that memory. My purpose was to serve with compassion and be a living testimony of God's healing.
"Needing a break, I decided to put out feelers for work in Australia. I wondered if I might fund my one-month trip with some casual work through an agency. After several years of challenging work in New Zealand, I was well equipped and to my surprise, sought after. The agency took care of all the documentation and paperwork, and I was first placed in Townsville for 2 weeks, with accommodation and travel included. The work was in the forensic unit, meaning the inpatient came from the court to this unit for assessment. On my last night shift, I was specialing a guy [suicide watch] actually sitting outside his bedroom. I was not permitted to leave under any circumstances except when I had cover for a bathroom or coffee break. That night 3 guys escaped the secure unit. They managed to stop a latch on a door closing and got out. They had to climb over a massive outside enclosure wall. Two got over, and the third slipped from the top and fell back onto a patch of concrete needing hospital care for significant injuries. One was caught later that night and the other the following day. I saw nothing but the next day I was asked why I did nothing to stop the breakout. It was too serious to laugh at, and too absurd not to!
"My short break in Australia turned into ten years in various areas of Australia on short- and long-term contracts. I was accepted and my input valued which in turn did amazing things for my confidence. God knew at every step of the way just what I needed. When I was doing agency work it was more rural and remote with mainly indigenous people. Up north I would do fly in fly out clinics with the Aboriginal communities. Drugs and alcohol brought problems for a people treated harshly and marginalized. The hospital campus where I stayed in these areas was walled and locked at night to keep staff safe. One night a young girl was brought to us by her grandfather as she had been assaulted by a young man. The Police became involved. His family were after her. Her family were after him and wanted to kill him, so he was removed from the community, and she was put into safe house. What saddened me most was the amount of racism towards Aboriginal people. It made me angry to see such blatant abuse continuing through generations, so deeply rooted it had become accepted as normal by many indigenous people.
"I hated seeing injustice and people wronged. I felt strongly this was an impartation from the Lord. Break my heart for what breaks yours Lord. I still had my faith and loved the Lord but the intimacy with God wasn't there. He was always there but I was not. It was such demanding work and there were moments I wondered why I was doing this work, and other moments I knew why I was doing this work. I had given my all. In the last 5 years I felt the Lord drawing me back to New Zealand and into a Christian community and personal relationship with Him.
"Back in New Zealand I walked through the aftermath of my personal tsunami when diagnosed with breast cancer. As I went through surgery and radiation, I leaned on God through every step of my recovery. Once again, the Lord went before me and prepared the way. Cancer had taken away many in my family (including my father and youngest brother) so as I received this diagnosis, it felt like fear was knocking at my door but I made the decision this was not a death sentence, instead I would stand firmly on God's strength and healing power. The Lord would walk me through this and heal me. I journaled and declared daily His healing and love for me. The cancer had not spread, and my recovery began. As the Lord brought healing to my body, He also revealed deep emotional wounds I didn't know I was carrying. Through His grace, I now feel whole: cleansed, free and able to forgive".
Psalm 107:29 'He has calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves'.