"STEVE PAUL"

STEVE PAUL

"‘Get out!! I’m just sick and tired of you’ shouted my mother in one of her many drunken states. I ran out of the room dodging a flying glass ashtray that broke against the wall.

"Crying to me was normal as breathing. I often cried myself to sleep with a pillow over my ears trying to block out the constant and predictable arguments that occurred daily, aggravated by bottles of cheap alcohol.

"As far back as I can remember, life at home in Natal South Africa, was nothing but hell. Fighting, shouting and putting up with drunken parents. Being the youngest of 5 children, I had to contend with being constantly belittled and bullied by my older brother and sisters.

"I was angry with my parents for bringing me into this world and often regretted being born. At 8 years of age, I just wanted to run away.

"I envied my schoolmates who were brought to school by their parents, and with a hug and a kiss they were wished a good day, their lunch boxes neatly packed with sandwiches, fruit and juice. During lunch breaks I would sit away from them, often embarrassed at having no lunch or at times having roughly cut sandwiches spread with cooking fat. The only juice bottle I had was an empty brandy bottle filled with orange squash I had made.

"School was hard as it was not easy doing homework. I never did well and had to repeat standards twice. This made me even more ashamed. I hated school.

"The only thing I enjoyed was athletics. I came first in almost everything and won many certificates. When I stood on the podium often in 1st place with all my house cheering me on, cameras taking photos, my parents never there to see of support me. It hurt.

"As a few years passed, I started to question life. What am I living for? This was my question over and over. Why do people believe in God? Is there such a thing? Why can’t I see or hear him? I never spoke to God other than being taught the Lord’s prayer in school, so talking to him was just not on.

"One Friday evening I was getting ready to visit a friend and there was another big fight in the house with my mother and father shouting and screaming and throwing things around. This time a heavy metal ashtray went through a large glass window and there was glass everywhere. I ran in to try and stop the fight but was pushed and shouted at to GET OUT!. With tears streaming down my face I ran down the road and this time cried out loud, why can’t I have a mother and father who love me?

"Just then a scary thing happened. I heard a voice inside me, so real that said, ‘I WILL BE YOUR FATHER’. I turned around to see who had said that, but I was the only one standing on the road. I got scared and started to shake as I felt this was from God. I did not know how to respond or talk to God so without hesitation, I said the Lord’s prayer. This scared me so much I never told anyone and wondered if I was going crazy.

"During the next few years, I plodded through school. I enjoyed gym and trampoline. I always had a keen interest in trampoline and became so good at it, I was invited to be part of a trampoline show that was touring through town.

"I tried everything to find some happiness. I admit at times I was quite a rebel, and this gave me a reputation that to some was an achievement, but to many I was just ‘bad news’ and often parents would tell their kids not to mix with me.

"Things at home got real bad and I hardly stayed home at weekends or holidays. Terry, my mate and me, would hitchhike not knowing where to go. Sometimes we would stand on both sides of the road and whoever got a lift first, we would head in that direction. On one occasion we got a lift from someone heading to Pretoria some 740km from home. We decided to go all the way and see Pretoria and slept wherever we could find a place and when hungry we would simply beg for money. We were only 14 years old and looked like poor homeless kids. We would then head back to the road and hike back home. At school many of the kids didn’t believe us, so we just stopped telling them.

"When I turned 15, I needed to find something. I didn’t know what, but there was something out there I wanted. I knew I would not get it at home or school, so I decided to run away from home. That was a very big decision to make although I had often thought about it.

"I thought back about the times I was happy and realised it was only when I was doing the trampoline show with a touring group who had now joined the circus and were travelling around Southern Africa. Wow, I would love to do that! I knew they were in Johannesburg some 700 km from where I lived.

"I built up courage and eventually told my dad I was invited to work at the circus for the holidays, but never told him that I was intending to never come home.

"I expected to get a lecture, but to my surprise he never argued. In a strange way I was hoping he would say no as that would show me he cared about me, but this was not the case. I did not waste time and went back to the house to pack up my few clothes and then walked into my mother’s bedroom to say goodbye and in her drunken state, she never even acknowledged my presence.

"After a whole day’s train ride, I arrived in Johannesburg but was frightened and did not know where to go. The only thing I knew was the circus was in a certain place and I was assisted by a kind taxi driver who dropped me right at the circus siding, as the circus travelled by train.

"It was already dark and I was scared, but I had come this far and knew I couldn’t go back. Tired and hungry, I knocked at the door of the trainer for trapeze. He opened the door and recognised me as he was one from the trampoline touring groups. ‘What on earth are you doing here’ he asked very surprised, but after I told him my long story he invited me in.

"The next day I was discussed among the circus staff and due to a shortage of clowns, they agreed to let me act as a temporary clown. This took me by surprise as I never imagined I would do clowning, which was a whole different ball game, but I was to learn from world class clowns.

"I was promptly placed in a dressing room and before I knew it, was painted up and dressed as a clown. In my rehearsal I had to emerge from within the audience carrying a large trombone. I was instructed to blow this to attract attention and then proceed to the ring to join the other clowns.

"The circus tent was filled with about 2000 people which made me very nervous. When my part came, I walked into the tent and tried to blow the trombone but to my horror the thing never worked. Eventually after much puffing I got it to make a sound and before I knew it, I was dazzled by the spotlights and all 2000 people turned and looked at me. The next thing was for me to go up onto the center ring where the other clowns were standing. The ring was elevated by 2 steps, and the steps were only about 300mm deep, but my long clown shoes were about 600 mm long. I tried several times to climb up the steps, still with the spotlight on me, but my feet kept slipping off. I eventually managed to climb over the ring barrier onto the raised dais, but the trombone was so large I had to put it over my head. I eventually made it onto the ring with my head still inside the trombone. I felt so embarrassed but when I took it off and to my amazement, the entire tent was in tears with laughter. Even the ringmaster and other clowns were almost wetting themselves with laughter. From that day I was instructed to remain as a clown, and I became known as the world’s youngest performing clown.

"Circus life was interesting, working with artists from other parts of the world. Training on trapeze and other shows and travelling across southern Africa. Many people I met seemed to envy me and wished they too could experience such a life.

"My primary objective as a clown was to make people laugh. Most of the time it was easy but at times it was difficult, especially when I was down. Thinking of home made me sad as I lied to my dad and told him I was only working temporarily but I never went home, I was more determined never to go back again.

"Although I was doing what I thought would make me happy, I still had a yearning to do something different. Somehow there was still something missing in my life and I never knew what.

""After touring with the circus for 6 months and travelling all over South and southwest Africa, I became very sad and depressed. I tried to be positive but there was a great depression in my life. All this time I had never heard from my family, and I became angry"

"Sitting at the back of the circus tent one day on a pile of hay, fully dressed in my clown outfit, I was approached by a newspaper reporter who asked if he could photograph me. Although I was not allowed to be photographed, I just did not care, and he proceeded to take photos.

"The next day my photo appeared in Argus the main newspaper for Cape Town and the photographer won a high award for his photo featuring a clown who had a smiley face painted on, but the real face was sad. That is exactly how it was.

"I remember one night after a show walking through a town in a very dangerous area. The road was full of drunk dudes who looked at me in a scary way. While I was walking along, I noticed a piece of paper on the sidewalk, picked it up and started to read. It was one of those religious things telling you about God. I was just about to throw it away, but something told me to read it more. It talked about how you can find a new life in God and that God loves me. I took it back to the circus train and showed it to the other guys. They all laughed at me and told me there was no such thing as God. Going to bed that night, I had a strong feeling God was standing near me. I got scared and again said the Lord’s prayer. Unbeknown to me at that exact same time there was a whole church praying for me (which I only found out much later)

"The circus arrived in a small town in Southwest Africa some 2000 miles from home and as I was getting ready for the show, I received an urgent call to the telephone. It was my dad and I was not really interested in talking to him but I went to the phone anyway. He greeted me and asked how I was doing. I felt happy he was concerned about me, but then he went on to say, oh the reason I phoned you is to tell you that you have been called to the army and you will need to be there in June. I was very upset, maybe more so because that was the only reason I was contacted.

"In South Africa at that time, army was compulsory and if you refused you were put in jail. I became very angry as it meant I would have to go back home.

"Shortly afterwards, I was approached by the head trapeze trainer, who told me I was invited to go with them on a new overseas contract with several circuses, and as well, I was to take part in a movie to be filmed in Cape Town. I was very happy and excited as maybe this was what I was looking for.

"He sent a letter to the army and asked for a deferment for 2 years, and this was granted. Everything was all lined up except for one thing. I needed to get my passport, and this meant I would have to go back home for a few days. I dreaded this but the circus was passing close to my hometown, so I decided to leave and go home. After my home visit I was to fly to Cape Town the following week, all expenses paid.

"Thinking of going home scared me. I remember getting onto the train with all my belongings and during the 4-hour trip was approached by three young girls who were curious to find out about this young long-haired boy carrying all his stuff with flying trapeze written all over it. I proceeded to tell them my story, and they were amazed. I was worried about getting home with all my stuff as home was still another 16km from the train station.

"As the train pulled into Port Shepstone station, I was shocked! There stood both my Mom and Dad waiting for me. As I stepped off the train, they both ran forward and greeted me with a hug and a kiss. I became so overwhelmed I began to cry. I felt very embarrassed crying in front of my parents and the three young girls who were right behind me, but when I looked at them, they too were all crying. Something had drastically changed with my parents, and I could not understand what.

"While we were travelling home, my mother told me my brother had become a Christian and he was a totally different person. I found that hard to believe as he and I used to fight like cat and dog.

"Getting home was very strange and when I met my brother, he too was very strange. He told me how he became a Christian and how the whole church was praying for me.

""I was welcomed by all my friends and asked lots of questions about circus life. There were some who thought I was crazy.

"The next few days I was running round getting ready for my next big adventure. I was also amazed at the change at home especially with my parents who had eased up on the drinking and fighting.

"Sunday came and my brother invited me to go to church with him. Before he finished speaking, I already said no!

"I was scared of church and all the funny things that go on in there. I was not interested. But with a lot of persistence from my brother, I eventually agreed but on one condition, that I could sit in the back row nearest the door.

"There was a locum preacher, and he started going on about how Jesus can come and live in my heart, and I can experience a whole new life. While he was talking, there was a strange thing happening around me. I felt as though Jesus was sitting right next to me. I became scared and started to shake with fear and before the service ended I ran out the door and vowed never to go back again. I was cross my brother had made me go to church, I was not the type of person who goes to church, that was for sissies. My brother went on to say that it’s sissies that are scared to go to church, he should never have said that as I’m a very competitive person and I was determined to prove him wrong.

"The next Sunday came; my last Sunday before I left for Cape Town. I was reminded about my challenge to go to church, although I agreed to go, I was very scared so much so that I decided I needed some support, so I got my mate Terry who was a rebel just like me to come and give me some moral support. We sat in the back row and covered our fear and embarrassment with laughter and mocking.

"As the preacher started talking our laughter stopped and we slowly stated to listen to what was being said. Again, I felt the presence of Jesus next to me, but I tried hard not to let it get to me. The preacher went on to tell us that Jesus was knocking at the door of our heart and He wants to come into our heart. He then asked if anyone wanted to give their heart to the Lord that he must come forward. Somehow, I knew that I needed to meet Jesus. For the first time I felt a feeling of love and comfort. Above where the preacher was standing was a verse written on the wal"l

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬ 

" I then and there decided that I was going to do this. I wanted to meet this Jesus that everyone talks about and meet this Jesus who had been silently walking with me without me knowing it and had been sitting next to me in church. I felt embarrassed that I had called my mate to support me and now was going to give my life to God.

"I opened my eyes and stood up to go up the front, and to my surprise my mate was already kneeling at the altar. I did not hesitate. I ran to the front and poured out my heart to God. Jesus came unto my heart that day and I finally met Him. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

"For the first time in my life, I felt fulfilled. I knew without hesitation that this was what I had been looking for all this time without knowing it.

"The next few days were the most important days of my life. I realised I wanted to continue a life with Jesus, and I was not interested in the future with circus life. I received a call from my trainer who was concerned that I had not made contact with him and wanted to know what was happening. I told him I was sorry, but I would not be going anymore. I had found what I had been looking for. When he heard that his competition was Jesus, he agreed and admitted he could not compete with God.

"I am writing this testimony many years later and I have never regretted making that decision. My life with God has been like having the best Father I could ever have imagined.  He has blessed me with the greatest wife ever, and three wonderful kids. He has blessed us greatly.

Thanks Jesus for finding me".