FINAU
“As the eldest son in a Tongan family, there can come expectations and responsibilities that carry a significant weight. There is a mantle of respect, leadership and care for the family that can weigh heavy at times. When family life is complicated, carrying that responsibility can become even harder.
I was born in Auckland, and when I was two, our family moved to Tauranga. I have one sister and four brothers. Two of my brothers are also 198 centimetres (6.5 feet tall) while the others are much shorter.
Growing up, our parents were very traditional and, particularly with me, they were very strict. They attended a Tongan church, but their lives did not always reflect the holiness they taught.
My parents’ drinking, smoking and partying were normal to me. It was simply the family life I knew. Sadly, the effects of alcohol, particularly on my mother, shaped much of my childhood and my understanding of life. Both of my role models were violent and abusive, and from an early age I learned how unfair and unpredictable life could be.
Although I was good at sports and diligent in my studies, as was expected of me, I was relieved when I finished Year 13 and could finally leave the school environment behind.
I felt that if I kept to myself, I could protect myself, because no one seemed to understand me. I kept my feelings inside, stayed placid, and put on my happy smile, but underneath I was deeply lonely.
There were many expectations placed on me by my parents, and I took my role as the oldest brother in a Tongan family very seriously. Sometimes it was just too hard. Sometimes it was too sad. There were times when I felt like giving up, but I remembered that I was a role model for my younger brothers, and that responsibility kept me going.
My parents had favourites, and because I was the oldest boy, they were especially hard on me—at times, brutal. I watched how I was treated and compared it with how my brothers were treated. From an early age, I learned to compare myself with others, and I believe this shaped the way I saw myself.
I began to believe, I am not doing enough. I am not good enough. Others often seemed to have an easier life and to make progress more easily than I did. These comparisons became deeply rooted in me and affected how I saw my own worth.
When I reached the significant age of 21, I believed I could then drink and smoke and party as I pleased. On my birthday I went out to drink alcohol and party for the first time. The more I partied, the more I drank, and this progressed into other substances. I was into everything. I tried to escape the pain and hurt of my life and background. My routine was work during the week, to support a weekend of partying. It was bad and because I am a yes person, I was always looking to please someone else although I never had a girlfriend. This played a big part in shaping the person I am today. I’m learning to understand my boundaries and where I need to draw them.
I wanted to be a builder, so I studied at Polytech and joined a firm as an apprentice. This was a family business and after 3 years just before I qualified, the family politics reached a peak, and I quit. I now have a stable job as supervisor in a large organisation.
One day at work my manager invited me to go to church. He was pretty insistent and had been pushing me for a while, but because I liked to please, eventually I gave in. But the truth was, I was growing a bit tired of my lifestyle. Somewhere inside me I had always hoped there was something more to life, something real, something with meaning and truth. I just didn’t know what that looked like.
I was hungover that day I went to church and didn’t really think much of it. Get this over with I thought and get him off my back. The Pastor told a story that really convicted me and for the first time I wondered whether this was somewhere I might belong. My sister was going to another church and when she invited me to go with her, I agreed.
As I started going to church and making changes in my life, I also began to see who my real friends were. I had ‘good time’ friends, but when I stopped partying many of them dropped me and didn’t want to know me anymore. That was a realisation for me. I began to understand that some of the friendships I had relied on were really only about that lifestyle, especially as I was always buying their shots and weed. I wanted something more real and meaningful in my life, and I continued going to church, learning about God and the more I learnt, the more I felt I belonged.
I was too scared to get Baptised as I thought one needed a certain amount of knowledge and to be in a certain place with God. Once I received some instruction and began to understand who God was and how much He loved and accepted me, I made the decision to commit my life to the Lord.
The teaching and worship felt right to me and was where I needed to beat that point in my life. I felt a need to acknowledge God through worship. I began to see God had accepted me and had looked after me even when I didn’t know Him.
I need to get to know other people, talk to them and learn not to compare myself with them. When I look back at who I was before, I can see such a big difference in the person I am today. Others in my family have noticed it too. I’ve realised that perhaps the comparison that matters is not with other people, but with who I used to be.
I am more open and more willing to put myself out there now. I’ve always been the one to stay quiet and never had a lot of friends. I’m beginning to understand that having meaningful connections with others makes my life better. I’m still learning who I am and where I fit in, but I don’t want to close myself off anymore.
I hear testimonies of people who have experienced awakenings and big moments with God. I have not had that. Sometimes I wonder why my journey seems so different.
I’m come to realise that God has a plan for everyone and perhaps His plan is being worked out more slowly in me than in others. I hear people talk about their spiritual growth the amazing things they have experienced with God, and I still find myself comparing my journey to theirs. I want that growth too. I want amazing things to happen in my life. I want all God has for me.
When I look back at who I was and see the person I am becoming, I can see how God has already changed so much. Maybe I don’t need to see everything happening at once but simply keep walking with Him. I may not know what the next part of my journey looks like, but I’m learning to trust the God who has already done more in my life than I sometimes realise”.
Philippians 1:6 “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”