LAZARUS
***STRONG content warning with references to drugs, alcohol, addictions, suicide and death.
“My parents migrated from a small village south of Manchester to Rotorua when I was 18 months old with my two older sisters. We settled in a low-decile area where my parents had never met a Māori person before.
“As practising Catholics, they sent me to a private Catholic primary school run by the Sisters of Mercy. I was a skinny kid with a thick English accent and was often singled out and reprimanded for the way I pronounced words. I never felt like I fitted in and their treatment left me feeling ashamed and shaped the way I saw myself.
“When I was two or three, my grandparents came from England and lived with us for a year. I remember sitting on my grandad's lap, his tickles, picnics, and happy times together. But when they returned home, those precious memories were replaced by a deep sense of abandonment and rejection.
“After my grandparents left, I became afraid my mum would leave me too. If I lost sight of her, even in the supermarket, I was convinced she had abandoned me.
“Then, when I was just four years old, Mum was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She lost her sight and was bedridden for a long time. My physical needs were met, but not my emotional needs.
“The threads of rejection and abandonment followed me through much of my life. I felt empty, without identity or belonging, and searched for anything to numb the pain.
“At an early age, I discovered that Mum's cooking sherry made me feel different. This was the beginning of a journey that revealed just how far my addictive tendencies would take me.
“By the age of 12, I had smoked my first joint and liked the feeling of escape. The more I used drugs and alcohol, the less interested I became in school. My world revolved around skateboarding, getting high, and drinking.
“When my hardworking dad lost his job during the recession, our school fees went unpaid. After the priest came to our home demanding payment, I became disillusioned with the church. I thought, if this is what God is like, I want nothing to do with religion.
“By 14, I was in hospital with alcohol poisoning. I left school, rebelled, briefly tried chef training, then turned to harder drugs. Meth gave me the confidence, identity and escape I’d been searching for. What began as occasional use, quickly became full addiction and before long I was injecting intravenously.
“I moved to Auckland and got heavily into opiates. Before long I could see how quickly I was deteriorating, so moved back to Tauranga. I simply picked up where I had left off, but the pattern was getting worse.
“In 2007 as my debt increased so did my crime. I ended up in prison. It wasn’t hard as all my mates were in there and I felt I finally got to have a break from using. I was tired as keeping a big habit going is extremely draining. I was sick of it and saw glimmers of wanting a new lie.
“Part of my release conditions was to go to another rehab center. But around the 90-day mark I was discharged because of my anger and finished my sentence in a community supported living house. I soon went back to what I knew.
“In 2010 I was in a car accident after falling asleep behind the wheel. I was suffering from drug psychosis, had lost touch with reality and was suicidal. I went back into rehab and knew this time; I had to change. I wanted a better life.
“I convinced myself that if I found a partner who didn't use drugs, got a steady job, moved to the country, and lived in a farmhouse with a white picket fence, growing my own vegetables, I would finally be happy.
“Eventually, I had all it all. I was engaged, loved the rural lifestyle, and had a job working in the bush. But the emptiness remained. No change in circumstances could heal my lack of identity, rejection, and shame.
“My addictive nature simply found new outlets. Pornography, unfaithfulness, materialism, and an obsession with bodybuilding became my new addictions. I've always been an all-or-nothing person—whatever I commit to, I throw myself into completely. When a nutritionist suggested one way to get bigger was taking steroids, I was in and was challenged to move from oral to ‘the big boy stuff’. Injectables! At the needle exchange, I felt the same sense of anticipation and excitement of shooting meth. That whole mentality and hunger for the needle kicked back in. I worked towards competing in body building, But I wasn’t well, my relationship fell apart and the dream was over.
“Back in Auckland working as a builder’s apprentice I was offered a painting job. My new boss quickly realised through my connections we could start making some real money dealing again. One Sunday night I decided to do one line of meth. The next thing it was Thursday morning, and I came to with a needle back in my arm. I was fully trapped again, adding GBL (date rape drug) to the poisons.
“My life had become completely unmanageable. I was mentally unwell, living in psychosis, and regularly "flapping out"—taking so much GBL that I would lose consciousness.
“I used meth to stay awake, then took GBL to force myself to sleep. One night, after doing exactly that, I lay down in bed—and died.
“My spirit started coming out of my body and hovered over me watching me lying on the bed. When my spirit came back into my body, I woke up. My partner was in tears believing I had died.
“On another occasion the Police were called after I blacked out. The frightening part was none of it shocked me anymore. This had become my normal.
“I moved back to Tauranga and one day dropped off some meth to a family member. Their youngest was just 6 months old. I watched them pack up a meth pipe while she breastfed this innocent baby.
“I had a profound moment of realisation. Not only was I destroying my own life, but I was ruining lives of those around me. It was a new level of depression.
“Two days later after a shot of meth I thought, I’m done. I’m a horrible person and destroying lives. I decided to end my life. I put the house in order, took a huge quantity of pills and passed out.
“I was found in time. The paramedics said it was touch and go and I was put into a coma for a week. In the darkness of the coma, I remember these dark entities fighting for my life. My parents stayed at my bedside and prayed for me. God heard their prayers.
“One Christian friend never gave up on me. While I was in a coma, he prayed and believed God gave him a word. ‘One day I would give my life to Jesus, lead a ministry to people struggling with addiction, and Pastor a church’. I laughed.
“Ten days later, I was back to my unmanageable life. Despite the hospitals, rehabs, and every attempt to help me, I still couldn’t change.
“I began bumping into people I had used with and saw them living healthy full lives. They would ask if they could pray for me. That same mate texted me Jeremiah 29:11 and something struck me to my core.
“I was in Auckland, heading to the toilets to inject, when I heard a voice say, "Get out of here while you're still alive." It was the most authoritative voice I had ever heard. I couldn't ignore it
“I ran through central Auckland, not knowing where to go and bought a bus ticket with a stop in Thames. Desperate and hungry, I walked into a small church and found a group of ladies knitting. One of them gave me a coffee and a muffin. For the first time in a long time, I felt accepted.
“Back in Tauranga I went to a mate’s place to have a shot of meth, and heard a quieter voice say to me ‘this is the last time you will ever do this”. I had the shot and then thought, I’m done. It’s finished. I experienced this massive sense of peace.
“While back in detox, I heard the same voice say to me “get on your knees and pray”. I lifted my arms in the air and said to the voice, I think this is you God. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to leave this lifestyle. Can you give me the strength to beat this.
“I walked outside for a cigarette and standing there was someone I knew. Someone I previously used with. She told me she had been clean for 3 years and would help me get clean. It was the unmistakable answer to my prayer.
“I remembered the stained-glass window from the Catholic church I went as a child - a. bearded man in a robe with a staff in His hand and a lamb next to Him. I started praying to Him every day and my life began to change.
“When I was invited to a church my hand shot up at an altar call. I was given a Bible and told to start reading in John’s gospel. I couldn’t put it down and for more than a year, spent hours locked in my room, reading God’s word and talking to Jesus. He transformed me from the inside out.
“After I was Baptised, a lady came to me and said, ‘you are going to lead a ministry for people with addiction issues, and you will be a Pastor’.
“Within two years I was employed by the church as a Pastor. I started a recovery ministry. The very life I once laughed at.
“Using meth is like booting open a door to the demonic. I was tormented by evil, trapped in a battle I could never win on my own. No amount of determination or rehab could set me free. I needed a Saviour.
“I’d spent my whole life trying to outrun my past. I couldn’t change who I was or fix what was broken inside. Only when I surrendered to Jesus did I find the life I had searched for. He took the wreck of my past and gave me a future I could never have imagined.
When I encountered the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 “for I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, for the first time in my life, I believed, my past didn’t have the final word. Only God did.
“There is a God. There is a spiritual battle. Heaven and hell are real. Both are forever. Choose now, while you can”.