WHANA
“I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of violence. Physical, emotional and sexual violence. There was an 18-year gap between me and my eldest brother. Although my parents were not involved in gags themselves, I grew up surrounded by significant gang influence within my wider whanau and community. On my mother’s side alone, there were 18 siblings which meant there was a large extended family network around me.
“In the 70s and 80s our Māori family environment operated like a marae, where everyone played a part in raising the children. My parents placed no boundaries on us and rarely said no. Much of my upbringing and the values and behaviors I was exposed to were shaped by the people around me.
“The pubs closed at 6pm so after the ‘big swill’ everyone would come to our house with a crate. Since there were no boundaries, inappropriate things happened with people creeping around in the nighttime.
“I was 5 years old when I realised one day, I was at home alone. I was there for 3 days, and no one came home. I didn’t know it was abnormal; everyone was doing that. All my cousins were doing it. – it had been justified by the wider whanau. It was not some secret thing.
“That trauma floated through every aspect of my life, and I remember even on my first day at school I was already hitting kids. I didn’t know any better. Wherever there’s weak leadership there’s chaos and my people perish for their lack of knowledge. (Hosea 4:6)
“At 11, I was being picked up by the Police for burglaries and stealing cars. I was already in the system.
“By the time I was 13 my parents were given an ultimatum. I would either go to Youth Justice (a specialized system managing offending children 10-13 years) or sent to Australia to live with my older sister. You can take the boy out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of the boy. So, I went to Aus and did the same things, as that was all I knew. Before two years was up, I was returned to the marae. Why would I submit to adults when I had no respect.
“Train a child in the way he should go and he will never depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 work both ways. This was my training and was ingrained.
“I never listened to teachers. I never listened to Police. Why would I? They all lied. I remember when I was about 6 or 7 at school one time my mum was to take a group on a school trip. I was so excited. The group I was in waited and waited, and she never turned up. I was crushed. I never asked for anything again. On another occasion she came to a parent teacher meeting, and we were told I had learning difficulties. I was in remedial in every subject. I wasn’t dumb, I just believed what was spoken over me, and this shaped the choices I made.
“After being sent back from Australia a teacher in my 5th form class asked if I wanted to live with her family. We got talking at a camp and I told her a part of my story. Later she turned up at our house and asked if I would like to live with her family. For 2 years I lived with her family, got involved in youth group, and Muma J helped me with homework. She believed in me. I had the worst marks possible in 5th form – single digits, but by the end of the year I passed School Cert. She kept telling me I wasn’t dumb, and I could do this work. Someone finally believed in me.
“But because of the old self still inside of me I got a 17-year-old from a Christian home, pregnant. I was 19 when they made us get married. It was the worst thing that could happen for her. I was horrible. The church kicked us out and disillusioned, I went back to my old ways.
“There was trauma and abandonment. My whole family in the gangs, but somehow, I didn’t go down that route. Even though I was so horrible to my wife, she saved me from that life cause we had children. I had no knowledge of what a good father looked like. I tried and failed but I gave it a go as best I could cause there was a desire in me to be a good husband and father.
“When I was little myself, I never had the dream to become a drug addict, be like my parents, or be an abusive person. I was stuck and didn’t know how to get help. There was a deep conflict inside me.
“It was so frustrating, and I turned to drugs to escape. I had been doing drugs since I was 11 as there was always drugs and alcohol in our house and no one to say don’t do it. No one even cared. ‘Iron sharpens iron’ and meth was what everyone around me was doing, so I just followed along wanting connection even if it was a bad connection.
“Definitions of words like whanau(family) or whakawhanaungatanga (the process of building meaningful relationships through respect) – that’s my family and I’ve got you no matter what. It is not true. When I went to jail even the first time, where was anyone? My parents weren’t there. My friends weren’t there. There was nothing and there was no whanau. It was just a word and nothing I could put my trust in.
“If one rotten apple can spoil a barrel, then imagine being in a barrel where all the apples are rotten. It can make you wake up, or it can make you rot even more. Choices. It took me a few goes before I realised that I hated this life, it sucked, I was going nowhere.
“The catalyst was the contrast I had with Muma J. Even though it had only been 2 years, it was the greatest time I had ever had in my life. Every time I was called to appear in Court, there was no one from my blood family, but she was always there. For 27 years she has stood beside me and prayed for me. She told me over and over ‘this is not who you are. You are a man of God and He has so much on your life’. At the start I thought she was crazy – what are you talking about lady!
“For 400 years the Israelite slaves were in Egypt being crushed, beaten and suppressed to get God out of them. What was in them was incorruptible. So, for me at the end of those 2 years the flame might have gone out, but the ember was still there.
Twenty-seven years later in God’s timing, someone who had the breath of life blew on that ember and it reignited that flame.
“One day at my now deceased parents homestead, I had a melt down after coming down from meth. I got into an argument which resulted in me burning the house down. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I was done with this life. I had lost my own house, my wife. my kids. And my job. I had lost everything. Even from the meth, I had lost my teeth as the drug kills your gums. I walked out of that house fire with nothing more than a T-shirt, shorts and shoes. So, I made a choice and decided I wanted to change.
“I said to God. If you’re real, I’m going to give my life to you. I don’t wanna go back to jail but I don’t know how you’re gunna to keep me outa jail cause this is a serious crime. To my surprise I got released the next day and put on bail and later on home detention. From that day I’ve grinded onwards.
“Then my charge got dropped way down cause it was a crime of passion and not fraud or intent to harm someone. I saw the home as a neglected hole of darkness.
“I meant what I said to God and was hungry for Him. I went after every group I could. I’ve grinded – you can fool men, but you cannot fool God. He knew my heart, and I knew He would have heard that cry for help many times. He answers those whose hearts were honestly set on Him.
“It’s been hard to get from there to here. A battle, with a lot of tears. Slowly I have learnt I can only deal with one thing at a time. For the first 5 years, my Christian life felt like I was walking in mud. I was fighting just to keep my head up.
“I could see no growth, hardly any change. I didn’t realise the first part of my growth was down. When the seed is planted the roots go down first because there must be depth to hold the root for the trunk when it comes up. I t was hard to see at that time; this was the valley of the shadow of death. As I began to understand the Lord’s prayer, I learnt to trust my heavenly Father. Never having trusted anyone before, this was fundamental. Once I believed He is not a man who would lie or change His mind I called Him, Father. My Heavenly Father. He restored my soul.
“Following Christ Jesus has not been an easy choice, but it has brought healing, purpose and reward beyond anything I ever thought possible”.